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"All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out.

- Albert Camus

"to eventually overwhelm"

October 13, 2009

i brought that up again, because it wasn't supposed to be put aside. i keep it in my mind, to make sure what i believe in works.

lately, i've been looking at the both of us. not comparing, but trying to figure things out. because i am so eager to say that we are so similar, even though we are so .. not. i am NOT you. i wish i was.

lately, with all those events and things that i've had in my mind, i've also seen it as a time that you can celebrate with me. i pictured you telling me and showing me all these things. so many forms of the love you have inside. and it came true. the things you have done, have, all together, made something so special. now, am i supposed to respond back just as amazing? probably, yeah. you would expect it from me. but. i just can't. and it gets to me, inside.

with all that's happened, you're always by my side in the end. but better than before. you show me, and prove to me, and grow, towards me, so much, that i don't know what to do!

i, forget what to say to you. the little things that fill up the cracks of a story. the only 'defence' to what you provide for me. my speech is what gets me to you; what helps show how YOU mean to ME. and really, i only tell you long stories or give you itty bitty comments about my days, because it's all i can say back. i don't have anything else. so, if i forget, blank out, chicken out, on what to say to you, what else do i have? what can i back myself up with? so much has been thrown towards me. i- i wouldn't handle it.

it only goes to show, that when you help somebody, you get it back. what happens after that, though? i'm so afraid to say 'i love you' because i don't know what you would do to me. when a person confuses me, or overwhelms me, is when i'm vulnerable.

i get so dis-functional. things go hay-wire, when you are so good to me. i'm blurting things out at random times(^)and trying to understand why.

there's nobody that's been able to move me, without moving. nobody that could make me feel on top of the world, yet feel so wrong or cautious, at the same time. nobody's ever done that like you. everything goes crazy when you say things to me.

i wish i was you!